When Will I Stop Chasing Myself?

The Unproductive Nature of the Chase and Discovering That I’m Actually The One Chasing Myself

Every morning, I frantically rush through my routine, skipping parts I know are essential for my hormone healing and recovery journey—all because I didn’t complete certain “tasks” in the exact time slot I had given myself in Notion the night before. Wake up, turn on a 432Hz frequency, morning pages, get ready, take my happy pills, pre-workout snack, make my mom her overnight oats, record a car-rot chat for TikTok, crack open an energy drink, three-hour gym session, edit TikToks during cardio, breakfast, post car-rot TikTok and edit more while I eat, digestion walk, shower, skincare, start working.

I treat my life like a checklist. I treat wellness like a checklist, which I’m starting to realize is not wellness at all.

One day, during step eight (record a car-rot chat), after skipping step three (morning pages) because I felt like I was “running out of time,” I suddenly thought: Why am I living my life like someone is chasing me? I’m the one who makes my schedule. I’m literally taking a gap year. I’M NOT IN SCHOOL. Shouldn’t I be taking advantage of the fact that I get to do literally anything I want with my day while my friends are barely surviving finals season? When will I ever have this much time again? Why can’t I slow down, or why do I feel so guilty when I do?

Eventually, I realized it’s not a monster chasing me, it’s not time, it’s not a murderer, it’s not my biggest fears, it’s not my middle school bully, it’s not some big, scary animal- it’s worse than any of that. It’s me. I’m chasing myself. 

I’ve been sitting with this for days, wondering if this frantic pace is just who I am and what “works” for me, or if I actually need to slow down. And honestly? The thought of slowing down feels worse than the stress itself. I give myself so much shit that it almost feels easier to stay in that rushed, frantic state, maybe because it proves to me that I’m a hard worker, that I’m not lazy, especially now that I don’t have school or grades to measure myself against.

Then I went deeper: Am I actually more productive when I’m rushing? Or is that just a story I tell myself?

Naturally, in my true “maximize productivity” fashion, I put it to the test.

Yes, I got to the gym later, ate breakfast later, and started work later. But I was hyper-focused. I didn’t check my phone once. I didn’t even feel the impulse to. I didn’t need my normal energy drink or even a coffee. I felt energized anyway- creative, steady, clear.

At the end of the day, I compared my rushed routine to this slow one. On my rushed days, I was glued to my phone, spent way more time at the gym than necessary, and took longer to complete work tasks because I constantly felt distracted, fidgety, and like I was forcing motivation. The wild conclusion: I was actually more productive, and saved more time, when I started my day slowly, when I regulated my nervous system before demanding anything from myself.

Oddly enough—yet not odd at all, because I genuinely believe nothing is a coincidence—the most recent Institute for Integrative Nutrition module that dropped included an entire section on the science of sleep and how to up-level your health with rest (even during the day). I learned that sleep is essential for removing neurotoxin buildup in the brain, which, if left unremoved, can lead to long-term issues like Alzheimer’s. I also learned about the benefits of slowing down while you’re awake and how it affects every part of your being.

Physically, it supports better hormones, increased energy, and cellular repair. Mentally, you gain more focus, creativity, and productivity. Emotionally, you become calmer, more patient, and in a better mood. Spiritually, you’re able to establish deeper relationships and connections with yourself and others.

Yes, some of this feels self-explanatory or obvious, but we still forget—or sometimes choose to ignore (myself included)—how necessary sleep is for every facet of our being: our quality of life, how we show up, or don’t show up, in this world.

So, what did I decide to do with this abundance of information?

Absolutely nothing. Because the idea of slowing down for more than a day still leaves me with a giant pit in my stomach. I tie so much of my worth to my work ethic, and those two things have always been intertwined for me. I don’t remember a world where one has ever existed without the other.

I’ve realized I can’t sit quietly with myself—because being alone with my own mind makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of when you’re a kid and your intuition is still razor-sharp, before the world teaches you to ignore it. You know how you’d refuse to hug certain relatives or family friends, not because anyone told you to, but because something in you sensed they were… off? And then years later, when all the family secrets spill out, it turns out they really were doing messed-up things or were just deeply strange people.

My mom always said I had a sixth sense for those types. I’d avoid them completely—no hugs, no eye contact, nothing.

That’s how I treat myself now. Like I’m the odd uncle in the corner, the one I refuse to go near. I give myself that same sick, nervous, bad-butterfly feeling in my stomach. I don’t want to sit with my thoughts, or examine them, or slow down long enough to hear myself think. It’s easier to keep moving than to face whatever it is in me that I’m instinctively avoiding.

Yes, I’ve added new habits to regulate my nervous system like going to bed and waking up at the same time, journaling in the morning, drinking tea at night, keeping a clean space, being of service, self-care rituals- but I’ve turned all of these into checkboxes, too. Yet again, I’ve made the things meant to help me heal into another test, another challenge I can fail.

When will I let things help me simply because they help me? When will I stop turning everything into a measure of my worth? When will I stop chasing myself?

If you’d like to follow me on this journey, or can relate in any way, I’d really appreciate it if you would subscribe, or follow me on my socials! I’m dedicated to posting content across all platforms that will help other women on their hormone, mental, physical, and spiritual journeys, and share science/medical-backed information as I continue to educate myself further from professionals on these topics. I recently enrolled in the IIN Health Coach Training Program, and I’m so excited to embark on and document this new journey! 

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